


you don't blame me (even when i'm being irrational)

by drewisdreaming



Series: i take my coffee black [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Crack, Domestic Fluff, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Married Life, hoseok is a hypocrite, hoseok the animal lover, i guess i should also kinda tag this as crackfic so, kihyun is a scared smol arachnophobe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-09 21:56:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14724288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drewisdreaming/pseuds/drewisdreaming
Summary: Hoseok is Kihyun’s personal exterminator.(a snapshot from i take my coffee black)





	you don't blame me (even when i'm being irrational)

**Author's Note:**

> just so y'all know, this is an au, so i’m not sure how canonically accurate some aspects of their dynamic/personalities will be. just ignore anything that bothers u :)
> 
> unless the whole thing bothers u
> 
> then feel free to leave a nasty hate comment i love those just as much as the positive comments
> 
>  
> 
> for lica, who inadvertently and unknowingly inspires some of the most thought-provoking and intriguing what-if’s at 03.00 and who supplies me with great au prompts. i promise your other fics will get finished when my laptop gets fixed!! i hope this isn't too horrible. if you don't like it then i’m sorry :(

"KYEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!”

Kihyun hears disgruntled yelling from across the hall, aggressive knocking on the left wall, and stomping from the apartment a floor up, but he pays no attention to any of it. Considering the fact that he isn't always the _quietest_ in his day-to-day(to-night) activities, the noises are actually quite comforting; they're a sign that something normal is going on _somewhere._

But that somewhere is _not_ here.

Kihyun was just minding his own business, doing his whole “docile housewife” thing (a.k.a. making a microwave dinner and playing Overwatch for hours just to get good so he can beat Hoseok one day in a one-on-one Widowmaker battle) when, all of a sudden, just as he’d made his _first ever headshot_ with Widowmaker, he felt a tickling sensation on his scalp.

Thinking it was just an itch, Kihyun reached his hand back, only to feel a _something_ scurry onto his ring finger, clutch onto his wedding ring, and hold on tight. The brunette stopped dead in his tracks and took a deep breath, desperately hoping that what he was feeling wasn't what he thought it was. Slowly, he brought his hand down in front of him, and-

-let out the girliest scream in _existence._

The spider was _huge._

In a pure rush of fear and adrenaline, Kihyun did a full-body wiggle dance of some sort, flinging his limbs about to dislodge the arachnid from his precious marriage stone. After a solid three minutes, Kihyun finally ceased his movement, inspecting the area around him with the eyes of a hawk (or a crazed arachnophobe) for the bundle of _pure evil_.

Which brings us to now.

He doesn't see it anywhere around him, which arises suspicion, so he checks his body once again; nothing yet. He increases the range of his search, scanning the walls as well, and lo and behold, there it sits. The spider’s just chillin’ out on the wall next to the television, looking disgusting and evil and like a spider, which is cause for concern in itself. How _dare_ it.

Unable to sit back down and just continue playing in fear of his own safety, Kihyun slowly backs himself around the couch to where the dining table is, reaching backwards and retrieving his phone all without taking his eyes off of the monstrosity on the drywall.

Kihyun uses the fingerprint scanner to unlock his phone, attempting to navigate to his call log through his peripheral vision. After far too long spent fumbling about, he calls back the first contact on the list, and raises the phone to his ear. It rings a few times before the person on the other end picks up, and when they finally do, various voices come through, discussing some “contract” of sorts in the background.

“ _Hey, Ki. What’s up? I’m kinda busy at the moment,_ ” Hoseok says, voice nearly being drowned out by the sounds of what seems to be an action movie playing in the background. Kihyun knows what it really is, but it's not near as important as this.

“Babe, _babe,_ there’s an enormous _fucking_ spider- and-and, it was on my _ring-_ oh my _god,_ I’ve been _defiled,_ our marriage is _defiled_ -” Kihyun blubbers into the speakers, words getting even higher in pitch and faster in speed over Hoseok’s trying to calm him until Hoseok just gives up and lets Kihyun ramble on about how he’s going to die until he stops for breath. “- _eat me, goddamnit_ , and do we even have life insurance? I’m gonna _die_ and I’ll never see you again or beat you in Overwatch and you'll _definitely_ cry like a little baby!”

“ _..._ ”

“Don’t even deny it.”

“ _Are you done_?” Hoseok asks finally, and Kihyun sighs in defeat.

“Yeah…”

“ _Okay. Now, why don't you just let it outside or something?_ ” Hoseok suggests, the sound of shuffling papers travelling through the phone. Kihyun gasps, offended. “ _Ah… but, of course, you're not going to go_ near _that disgusting thing._ ”

Kihyun would call Hoseok out for mocking his real, genuine _fear_ if he weren't so focused on making sure the spider doesn't suddenly decide to pull a Peter Parker and web-swing into his face.

“You gotta come home and kill it. It's your _duty_ as the barbeque dad-type husband Pokémon. You swore on your “kiss-the-cook” apron, you _gotta,_ babe, it's been _predetermined,_ ” Kihyun says solemnly, gaze not leaving his fuzzy friend perched on the wall.

“ _Yeah, yeah, you nerd… I’ll be there in twenty._ ”

“ _Ten,_ Hoseok.”

“ _Ten it is, then._ ” And then the beep signifying the end of the call plays in Kihyun’s ear, prompting him to lower the phone. He slowly sets it on the table beside him, heart rate beginning to accelerate uncontrollably as he realizes that he can't see the spider anymore.

Without making any sudden movements, Kihyun slowly shuffles sideways to see behind the television, but it’s not there either. A chill travelling down his spine, the small brunette analyzes every single surface in the whole room with extreme caution, unable to locate the arachnid even after five minutes of painstaked searching. Just as he’s about to give up and flee the premises, he gets the _moronic_ idea to look _up._

Just in time, too, because he barely has enough time to to a spy-roll to the side while screaming as the spider slowly slinks it’s way down a string of web. The small creature touches down gently on the coffee table, settling into a comfortable spot as Kihyun has a mental breakdown in the corner.

“Kihyun! I’m home—where is the so-called ‘horse spider’ you were talking about?” Hoseok’s voice echoes down the entrance hall into the living room, giving Kihyun enough hope (read: adrenaline) to shoot to his feet and zoom past the spider toward the front door.

“Kill it, kill it, babe, _kill the damn thing-_ ” Kihyun screeches, crashing into Hoseok as he’s taking off his coat. The noirette stumbles backward, arms instinctually coming forward to wrap around the smaller male in an attempt to keep his baby safe from attackers. Kihyun (horrifying spider momentarily forgotten) melts into the embrace, wrapping his arms around Hoseok’s midsection and breathing in the faint scent of his Coconut & Shea Butter body wash. His coat is still cool from being outside and it helps with the heat emanating from Kihyun’s face. The brunette snuggles closer.

“Hi,” Kihyun breathes, looking up to rest his chin just above Hoseok’s collarbones, tucking his nose into the older’s chin, which is so close it causes the older to go cross-eyed trying to focus. It’s a bit awkward, taking into consideration the fact that their heights are very similar, but Kihyun somehow makes it work.

“Hi,” Hoseok replies breathily, a sweet smile tugging at the corner of his lips. Kihyun tilts his head back and pouts his lips childishly as if asking for a kiss, one that is granted.

“‘Kay, baby, you _gotta_ see this thing, it's enormous and if you don't kill it I'll actually die _for real._ ” Kihyun rambles, wrapping his hand around Hoseok’s bicep to pull him toward the living room. Obviously, had he wanted to, Hoseok could easily pull out of his grip, but he allows himself to be dragged along. Once they enter the living room, Kihyun leads Hoseok to the coffee table and begins pointing fervently. “Here, look, get rid of it.”

“Ki.”

“What? Why are you just staring at it, _crush it-_ ”

“Kihyun.”

“ _What?_ ”

“It’s tiny. It’s like, the size of my thumbnail.”

“No it’s _not,_ it’s _huge,_ you absolute whore!”

“How in the world are you _afraid_ of this little guy?”

“You said that movie about talking _ants_ was the scariest thing you'd ever seen, you hypocritical ass!”

“Shut up! Those things were horrifying!”

“Just _squash_ the disgusting creature!”

“But Ki, it’s so cute!”

“ _Kill it!_ ”

“I’m gonna name her Nellie! Although, I'm not sure how well she’ll do without Aranea and Joy…”

“What the _hell_ are you talking about?”

“Are you telling me you've never seen _Charlotte’s Web_? They're the daughters of Charlotte, you uncultured swine!”

“Ugh,” Kihyun scoffs, completely disgusted. “I wanted a premium hunk of ULTRA MEGA MAN™ husband meat, not this soft, squishy blob. Where the _hell_ is my refund?”

Hoseok only laughs, ignoring his small husband’s fussing in favour of scooping the tiny spider up into his palm. The noirette does a fake-out, pretending as if he’s going to fling the spider at the unsuspecting male, which earns him yet another screech as Kihyun retreats to the bedroom, presumably to hide underneath their huge fluffy pink comforter (which was bought on Hoseok’s insistence).

Even though Kihyun insisted that _it should_ _die, it’s an abomination, Hoseok,_ the latter can't really bring himself to kill it. The poor thing is probably scared out of its mind from the beating Kihyun probably gave it earlier. With a small smile, Hoseok carries the terrified arachnid to the glass sliding door, opening it with his elbow and stepping onto the balcony. It’s pretty, the lights of Seoul slowly lighting up as the sky darkens and night falls, but Hoseok doesn't stop to admire it. It only serves to remind him _how_ exactly he obtained it. After setting the spider down to scuttle off down the railing, Hoseok retreats inside with a dark look that only begins to dissipate as he scrubs his hands clean.

“Hey, love,” Hoseok murmurs as he enters their shared bedroom, stifling a laugh when he sees that Kihyun is hiding in a ball underneath the comforter. Pushing the corner of the blanket back, Hoseok slides underneath with him, settling his face right next to the shorter man’s. Kihyun stubbornly refuses to make eye contact, huffing and sitting up when Hoseok snickers. The older follows, joining the brunette to sit in their makeshift blanket fort. Eventually, Kihyun relents, crawling into Hoseok’s lap with a pout when the noirette displays a shit-eating grin.

“Shut the hell up,” Kihyun grumbles, shoving the comforter aside and over their heads to give them air to breathe. He doesn't stop to savour it, though, because he leans in to connect his lips to Hoseok’s own without missing a beat. Hoseok smiles into the kiss, diving in again and again to steal more from the man in front of him.

“Didn’t-ah, didn't say anything,” Hoseok murmurs, breath catching as Kihyun moves from his lips to his neck. He presses light kisses before sucking hard, biting gently then swiping his tongue over the area before moving on. Kihyun hums against Hoseok’s clavicle, causing the older to grip the fabric at Kihyun’s waist in an attempt to keep his head from spinning.

They don't get much more talking done that night.


End file.
